Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Advantages
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Why it's better to be a Woman!
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Poor Guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Cuckoo
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
How to Get Someone to Like You
- Call/ text them, all the time. Persistence is key.
- When they stop, assume they are playing 'hard to get'. (The 'assume' rule does not apply)
- If they get a restraining order, don't be down, because they will set up a court date, so it has to be working. It's a court date, after all.
- Purposely trip them so you can offer to kiss it and make it better.
- Pretend to drown, so they will give you CPR
- Throw rocks at their window, and when they look out, do a dramatic performance of 'my love don't cost a thing.'
- Drive by their house 20 times a day to check up on them. Everyone loves a protective spouse.
- And most importantly, never give up! As Lady Gaga sings, "Follow you until you love me, paparazzi."
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Regret
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Bye Bob
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
You've Got Mail
God heard that the people on Earth were not being good, and decided to send an angel down to check it out. Shortly, the angel returned, and said that 95% of the people on Earth were bad, and 5% good.
Well, God wasn't to happy about this, so he sends down a second angel, who comes back and says the same thing.
God doesn't know what to do about this, but he wants to do something to reward the good people. He finally decides to send the 5% of good people an email.
You know what the email said?
Me either.
Well, God wasn't to happy about this, so he sends down a second angel, who comes back and says the same thing.God doesn't know what to do about this, but he wants to do something to reward the good people. He finally decides to send the 5% of good people an email.
You know what the email said?
Me either.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Spoon in the Knife Drawer
Anyways, my sister and her boyfriend took her for a walk last night and they decided to let her off the leash because they were about five houses from home. She sniffed around and circled their feet being all good until she saw a June bug. My puppy thinks shes a hunter, except unlike most labs who hunt deer and rabbits, she hunts bugs. Her favorites are June bugs and spiders. She took off after the bug and then realized how close she was to home. At full speed she took off toward our glass storm door not realizing it was shut. After running about 100 yards at full speed she crashed into hit with a loud thud and a heart wrenching yelp. I could hear her across the house. The saddest thing is, that's not the first time she's done that.
Best phrases to describe her (or anybody else dumb):Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
A few fries short of a wacky pack
Not the smartest cookie
A few clowns short of a circus
The wheel is spinning, but the hamster's dead
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
The lights are on, but no one's home
Burned out light bulb
The Lindsey Lohans of the world
And, our personal favorite...
The spoon in the knife drawer
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Funny Signs
Hey guys! Guess what! We've made it a whole week. In celebration, I will share with you all some funny signs.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Power of Thinking
A new research program has recently be studying the effects of mind power, with some interesting results...
A new soldier is preparing for his first battle, eager and ready to go. He has his uniform, his hat, everything he needs, except his weapons.
He goes up to the General, and tells him of his problem. The General looks around for a moment, before saying, "Yes, we are running short on supplies here, and the next shipment won't be in for a couple of days. Tell you what, all you need to do is believe you have a weapon, and it will work."
The young soldier looks at him incredulously. "I know it sounds weird, but trust me, if you believe you have a gun, hold your hands out like a gun, and shout bamity-bam-bam, it will be like a real gun.
The soldier, a little weary, decides to try it. Later, when he is marching into battle, he holds up his hands, pretending to hold rifle, and says bamity-bam-bam. He watches amazed as he shoots someone down.
He returns to the position, shouting bamity-bam-bam, bamity-bam-bam into the enemy, and starts taking out the enemy quickly. As the battle goes on, the soldier spots a guy on the other side who is standing off to one side, unguarded.
Quickly taking this to his advantage, the soldier point to him and goes bamity-bam-bam. Nothing happens. He tries again, this time, the guy has noticed him shooting, and starts to come towards the young soldier.
The soldier frantically shouts bamity-bam-bam, again and again, as he comes closer, with nothing happening. Finally, a few feet before the man gets to him, our soldier is pushed down. He wonders how this is possible, when suddenly he hears "tankity-tank-tank, tankity-tank-tank."
A new soldier is preparing for his first battle, eager and ready to go. He has his uniform, his hat, everything he needs, except his weapons.
He goes up to the General, and tells him of his problem. The General looks around for a moment, before saying, "Yes, we are running short on supplies here, and the next shipment won't be in for a couple of days. Tell you what, all you need to do is believe you have a weapon, and it will work."
The young soldier looks at him incredulously. "I know it sounds weird, but trust me, if you believe you have a gun, hold your hands out like a gun, and shout bamity-bam-bam, it will be like a real gun.
The soldier, a little weary, decides to try it. Later, when he is marching into battle, he holds up his hands, pretending to hold rifle, and says bamity-bam-bam. He watches amazed as he shoots someone down.
He returns to the position, shouting bamity-bam-bam, bamity-bam-bam into the enemy, and starts taking out the enemy quickly. As the battle goes on, the soldier spots a guy on the other side who is standing off to one side, unguarded.
Quickly taking this to his advantage, the soldier point to him and goes bamity-bam-bam. Nothing happens. He tries again, this time, the guy has noticed him shooting, and starts to come towards the young soldier.
The soldier frantically shouts bamity-bam-bam, again and again, as he comes closer, with nothing happening. Finally, a few feet before the man gets to him, our soldier is pushed down. He wonders how this is possible, when suddenly he hears "tankity-tank-tank, tankity-tank-tank."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Be positive
Of all the people in the world, don't you just hate the positive ones the most.They can be so annoying. And come in many forms, such as:
The morning person- who we throw our pillow at, but then can't fall back asleep without the pillow.The 'hi' person- (note, not 'high') always bouncing around, introducing themselves to everyone, shaking our hands with both their own, and skips off to the next person.
The environmentalist- the one who gasps when we use paper plates or when we talk about putting in wooden floors. Yes, we don't want to die of global warming, but no, we do not want to have towels made of owl droppings.
The lover- with love-struct eyes and that dreamy smile, sending sappy messages all the time. Especially annoying when you are single.
The do gooder- that person that does nice stuff, just for the heck of it. Rakes that old man's leaves. Carries out your groceries. Not fun to be compared to. (Why couldn't you be more like that?)
The lucky one- they get picked for games, scratch the winning lottery ticket, and win that cruise you wanted so badly. Every single time.The kidder- Can make a joke out of anything. (usually not funny jokes) ...wait a moment...
And finally, the all around happy one- can put a positive spin on everything. Draws on that silver lining.Takes even your most miserable moments, and compares them to the starving children in Africa. If they feel so bad for those African kids, why aren't they there helping them?
Pete and Repete
Repete
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repete (repeat)
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
.......
Friday, June 18, 2010
Funny Joke
There were four friends, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a banker. The banker is sick, and knows that he is going to die soon, so he gathers his three closest friends, and hands them each 10,000 dollars. He says, "I believe that whatever I have with me when I die, I will take with me to the afterlife. So I am giving each of you guys this money, and I want you to put it in my coffin when I die."
The friends agreed, and went their separate ways. Finally, the day of the banker's funeral arrived, and the three friends gathered around his coffin. The priest steps up first.
"I'm only put in $9,000, because there were members of my church that were desperately sick, and needed help."
The doctor steps up, "I'm only putting in $8,000, because our hospital needed a new piece of machinery to help save many people."
Finally, the lawyer goes, "I'm ashamed of you guys." He then writes a check for $30,000, drops it in the coffin, and takes out the other money.
The friends agreed, and went their separate ways. Finally, the day of the banker's funeral arrived, and the three friends gathered around his coffin. The priest steps up first.
"I'm only put in $9,000, because there were members of my church that were desperately sick, and needed help."
The doctor steps up, "I'm only putting in $8,000, because our hospital needed a new piece of machinery to help save many people."
Happy Friday
Happy Friday!
Why is this Friday so great? The reason all Fridays are great? The weekend is almost here.
At most workplaces, Fridays are considered casual day, where you are allowed to wear jeans and a t-shirt, and just be comfy. I think the point of this is to let employees know that yes, you can be casual, but get all your work done or you'll have to come in for a non-casual Saturday.
Personally, my Fridays give me a chance to reflect on my week. Remind me that I've given 100% all week long. (15% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 27% Wednesday, 23% Thursday, and another 15% Friday)
Also, when people come up to me with problems in the workplace, I can say, "First thing Monday morning, we will get right on that." Instead of saying, "Sit down, my assistant will be with you in a moment." (I don't have an assistant)
The other great things about Fridays is that for two whole days, you don't have to deal with those coworkers that aren't quite up to your standards. The small talk guy, the one who flirts with the boss, the one who actually does their work...
Anyways, here's to hoping that your Friday will be better than the rest of the week.
TGIF,
me
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Major or Minor Disaster?
We all know the big things going on right now: the oil spill, the World Cup, the final game in the series (Go lakers!), and let's not forget Tiger and Pebble Beach. What I want to know, how are these headlines going to make me (and you) have a better day?
Sure, our sports team could win, but that's in the future from right now.
My point? Everyone needs a little something to make them smile, to make them laugh, and to generally improve mood. Because, let's face it- when something is not directly affecting us, then we don't give it as much attention as our personal issues.
Like I always say, the difference between a major and a minor disaster is a minor one is happening to someone else.
So today, right now, take a moment to laugh and smile...
Maybe these will help:
Joke of the day
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
-lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-ground beef
Where is the cow with no legs?
-right where you left him
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