Poor Guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

How to Get Someone to Like You

• Call/ text them, all the time. Persistence is key.
• When they stop, assume they are playing 'hard to get'. (The 'assume' rule does not apply)
• If they get a restraining order, don't be down, because they will set up a court date, so it has to be working. It's a court date, after all. 
• Purposely trip them so you can offer to kiss it and make it better.
• Pretend to drown, so they will give you CPR
• Throw rocks at their window, and when they look out, do a dramatic performance of 'my love don't cost a thing.'
• Drive by their house 20 times a day to check up on them. Everyone loves a protective spouse.
• And most importantly, never give up! As Lady Gaga sings, "Follow you until you love me, paparazzi." 

-If you try our methods and get a date, cancel it, because they are most likely crazy.