Walking
Two friends are talking and they walk into a bar. You would think one of them would have seen it.
Regret
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
Bye Bob
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repete
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repete (repeat)
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
You've Got Mail
God heard that the people on Earth were not being good, and decided to send an angel down to check it out. Shortly, the angel returned, and said that 95% of the people on Earth were bad, and 5% good.
Well, God wasn't to happy about this, so he sends down a second angel, who comes back and says the same thing.
God doesn't know what to do about this, but he wants to do something to reward the good people. He finally decides to send the 5% of good people an email.
You know what the email said?
Me either
Well, God wasn't to happy about this, so he sends down a second angel, who comes back and says the same thing.God doesn't know what to do about this, but he wants to do something to reward the good people. He finally decides to send the 5% of good people an email.
You know what the email said?
Me either
A million dollars
A son asks his father the difference between 'substantially' and 'potentially'. The father tells him to go ask his mother, sister, and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then see if he could figure it out.
The son goes up to his mother first. "Mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
"For a million dollars, of course I would, but don't tell your father."
The son goes to find his sister and asks the same question. She replies, "Totally, I don't even need the million dollars."
Finally, the boy goes up to his brother the question. He answers, "Well, for a million dollars, I would."
The son goes to find his father and says, "I think I understand now. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but substantially, we're living with two whores and a future congressman.
The son goes up to his mother first. "Mom, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"For a million dollars, of course I would, but don't tell your father."
The son goes to find his sister and asks the same question. She replies, "Totally, I don't even need the million dollars."
Finally, the boy goes up to his brother the question. He answers, "Well, for a million dollars, I would."
The son goes to find his father and says, "I think I understand now. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but substantially, we're living with two whores and a future congressman.
The Power of Thinking
A new research program has recently be studying the effects of mind power, with some interesting results...
A new soldier is preparing for his first battle, eager and ready to go. He has his uniform, his hat, everything he needs, except his weapons.
He goes up to the General, and tells him of his problem. The General looks around for a moment, before saying, "Yes, we are running short on supplies here, and the next shipment won't be in for a couple of days. Tell you what, all you need to do is believe you have a weapon, and it will work."
The young soldier looks at him incredulously. "I know it sounds weird, but trust me, if you believe you have a gun, hold your hands out like a gun, and shout bamity-bam-bam, it will be like a real gun.
The soldier, a little weary, decides to try it. Later, when he is marching into battle, he holds up his hands, pretending to hold rifle, and says bamity-bam-bam. He watches amazed as he shoots someone down.
He returns to the position, shouting bamity-bam-bam, bamity-bam-bam into the enemy, and starts taking out the enemy quickly. As the battle goes on, the soldier spots a guy on the other side who is standing off to one side, unguarded.
Quickly taking this to his advantage, the soldier point to him and goes bamity-bam-bam. Nothing happens. He tries again, this time, the guy has noticed him shooting, and starts to come towards the young soldier.
The soldier frantically shouts bamity-bam-bam, again and again, as he comes closer, with nothing happening. Finally, a few feet before the man gets to him, our soldier is pushed down. He wonders how this is possible, when suddenly he hears "tankity-tank-tank, tankity-tank-tank."
A new soldier is preparing for his first battle, eager and ready to go. He has his uniform, his hat, everything he needs, except his weapons.
He goes up to the General, and tells him of his problem. The General looks around for a moment, before saying, "Yes, we are running short on supplies here, and the next shipment won't be in for a couple of days. Tell you what, all you need to do is believe you have a weapon, and it will work."
The young soldier looks at him incredulously. "I know it sounds weird, but trust me, if you believe you have a gun, hold your hands out like a gun, and shout bamity-bam-bam, it will be like a real gun.
The soldier, a little weary, decides to try it. Later, when he is marching into battle, he holds up his hands, pretending to hold rifle, and says bamity-bam-bam. He watches amazed as he shoots someone down.
He returns to the position, shouting bamity-bam-bam, bamity-bam-bam into the enemy, and starts taking out the enemy quickly. As the battle goes on, the soldier spots a guy on the other side who is standing off to one side, unguarded.
Quickly taking this to his advantage, the soldier point to him and goes bamity-bam-bam. Nothing happens. He tries again, this time, the guy has noticed him shooting, and starts to come towards the young soldier.
The soldier frantically shouts bamity-bam-bam, again and again, as he comes closer, with nothing happening. Finally, a few feet before the man gets to him, our soldier is pushed down. He wonders how this is possible, when suddenly he hears "tankity-tank-tank, tankity-tank-tank."Pete and Repete
Repete
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repete (repeat)
Pete and Repete were brothers. One day, they went fishing, and got a big catch. But hauling it into the boat, Pete fell off. Who was left?
Parrots
An elderly woman living alone decides she needs someone to talk to, so she goes to the pet store wanting to buy a parrot.
The clerk there tells her has two female parrots left, and they cannot be separated. She agrees to buy them both, and takes them home with her. But, every time she tried to engage them in conversation, they would swear and say naughty things.
The woman, not knowing what to do, decides to go talk to her priest. She tells him the problem, and he has an idea. He tells her he has two male parrots, who he taught to recite bible verses and pray. Why doesn't she take the parrots over there, and see if they can teach the girl parrots the right things to do.
She does as he says, and take her parrots over, which promptly start cussing and saying how they are prostitutes, etc.
The male parrots eyes bulge. One quickly says to the other "Put away the rosary beads, are prayers have been answered!
The woman, not knowing what to do, decides to go talk to her priest. She tells him the problem, and he has an idea. He tells her he has two male parrots, who he taught to recite bible verses and pray. Why doesn't she take the parrots over there, and see if they can teach the girl parrots the right things to do.
She does as he says, and take her parrots over, which promptly start cussing and saying how they are prostitutes, etc.
The male parrots eyes bulge. One quickly says to the other "Put away the rosary beads, are prayers have been answered!
Playground
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
To get to the other slide.
The Lawyer
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
There were four friends, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a banker. The banker is sick, and knows that he is going to die soon, so he gathers his three closest friends, and hands them each 10,000 dollars. He says, "I believe that whatever I have with me when I die, I will take with me to the afterlife. So I am giving each of you guys this money, and I want you to put it in my coffin when I die."
The friends agreed, and went their separate ways. Finally, the day of the banker's funeral arrived, and the three friends gathered around his coffin. The priest steps up first.
"I'm only put in $9,000, because there were members of my church that were desperately sick, and needed help."
The doctor steps up, "I'm only putting in $8,000, because our hospital needed a new piece of machinery to help save many people."
Finally, the lawyer goes, "I'm ashamed of you guys." He then writes a check for $30,000, drops it in the coffin, and takes out the other money.
The friends agreed, and went their separate ways. Finally, the day of the banker's funeral arrived, and the three friends gathered around his coffin. The priest steps up first.
"I'm only put in $9,000, because there were members of my church that were desperately sick, and needed help."
The doctor steps up, "I'm only putting in $8,000, because our hospital needed a new piece of machinery to help save many people."
Cows
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
-lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-ground beef
Where is the cow with no legs?
-right where you left him
