Monday, June 21, 2010


An elderly woman living alone decides she needs someone to talk to, so she goes to the pet store wanting to buy a parrot.

The clerk there tells her has two female parrots left, and they cannot be separated. She agrees to buy them both, and takes them home with her. But, every time she tried to engage them in conversation, they would swear and say naughty things.

The woman, not knowing what to do, decides to go talk to her priest. She tells him the problem, and he has an idea. He tells her he has two male parrots, who he taught to recite bible verses and pray. Why doesn't she take the parrots over there, and see if they can teach the girl parrots the right things to do.

She does as he says, and take her parrots over, which promptly start cussing and saying how they are prostitutes, etc.

The male parrots eyes bulge. One quickly says to the other "Put away the rosary beads, are prayers have been answered!



Happy Monday. Let's start the week off with 75 reasons your a coffee addict.

1. You ski uphill.
2. You get a speeding ticket even when your parked.
3. You speed walk in your sleep.
4. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
5. You answer the door before people knock.
6. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
7. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
8. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
9. You sleep with your eyes open.
10. You have to watch videos in fast forward.
11. The only time your standing still is during an earthquake.
12. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away.
13. You lick your coffee pot clean.
14. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
15. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
16. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
17. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
18. You chew other people's fingernails.
19. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
20. Your T-shirt says: "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee.
21. You can type 60 words a moment with your feet.
22. You can jump-start a car without cables.
23. Cocaine is a downer.
24. All your kids names are Joe.
25. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
26. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet n Low.
27. You don't sweat, you percolate.
28. You but milk buy the barrel.
29. You go to the AA meetings for the free coffee.
30. You walk twenty miles in your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
32. You've worn the handle on your favorite mug.
33. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
34. Charlles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
35. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
36. People get dizzy just watching you.
37. You find a penny and say: "Find a penny, pick it up, sixty-three more you'll have a cup."
38. You've worn the finish of your coffee table.
39. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
40. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
41. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
42. You're so wired, you can pick up AM radio.
43. People can test their batteries in your ears.
44. You're life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
45. Instant coffee takes to long.
46. You channel surf without a remote.
47. When someone says: "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop."
48. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
49. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
50. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
51. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
52. You're offended with people use 'brew' to mean beer.
53. You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'.
54. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
55. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
56. Your thermos has wheels.
57. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping phase.
58. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
59. You can outlast the energizer bunny.
60. You short out motions detectors.
61. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
62. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
63. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
64. You think being called a 'drip' is a compliment.
65. You don't tan, you roast.
66. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
67. Your three favorite things are coffee before and after coffee after.
68. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get in the mood.
69. You can't even remember your second cup.
70. You help your dog chase its tail.
71. You soak your dentures in coffee.
72. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
73. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
74. You think CPR stands for 'Coffee Provides Resuscitations.'
75. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.